Life is Hell
by Shattered Apocalypse
Summary: I approached. "Jiraiya, why did you adopt us?" I asked, suddenly feeling suspicious of the old man. "Cause you're all handsome. With you lot around I'm bound to get some good looking girls." Pervert. Go die. And I walked away. Life, officially, is hell.
1. Life is Hell

**Disclaimer: **I... disclaim. Yes, yes I do.

**Warning: **I'm digressing. Yeah, sorry, I am. And I wonder if 1) This will get anywhere and 2) if I should make this story... ninja AU, or just plain AU. Oh, and this is pure crack. Humor. Whatever you wanna call it. OOC, most definitely.

For my dear weirdo friend who said the story was great, but then I deleted it and she got all pissed. Yeah, it's for you, **Akatsuki's a bang**. Because Akatsuki _is _a bang, and life _is _hell.

* * *

**Chapter One: Life is Hell**

**The Part Where I Talk About Myself**

I hate my own guts sometimes. No, wait, scratch that, I hate Naruto's guts sometimes. The freaking _retard _tried to hug me the other day. Didn't go too well for him either.

And before anybody jumps to conclusions: I'm not gay. Nor am I emo.

Ah, OMG! The great Sasuke Uchiha said he's not gay, oh what should we do?

I'll repeat it one more time for you folks out there who still think this shit's a lie: I'm not gay. Although, frankly speaking, I really don't have anything against gays. They can go do... whatever it is gay people do these days.

Now onto the next bit. Yeah, I'm not emo. No, if 'emo' stands for 'emotional', then I'm far from it.

Actually, if emo stands for emotional, I think Naruto's your guy. The guy cried... watching _Twilight: New Moon._ And if you don't believe me.. I've got sufficient evidence.

Oh, and by the way, I so _do not _have chicken-butt hair. No, it's just an illusion. Yeah, just your mind playing tricks on you. Because guess what? _The _great Sasuke Uchiha would _never_have chicken-butt hair.

But all of that is beside the point. This is my goddamn life story. So now, I'll just shut up and let you read. And you: _read. _Or my stupid ass adoptive father will squeeze your boobies. If you have any.

Hey, don't be mad! Naruto doesn't have any either. And as a matter of fact, I have no boobies... too.

* * *

**The Part Where I Wanna Kill Someone**

'Cause I do. Believe me, I do. Naruto, _that goddamned cross dresser, _walked in on me sleeping and tried – and failed, for your info – to smooch me.

I'm afraid he won't be able to have kids anytime soon.

Now, onto serious business. What I am about to tell you is strictly confidential.

Nah, who am I kidding, do whatever the hell you'd like with this information.

I'm a virgin.

Ohmygod, _the _hot and sexy ass Sasuke-kun is a _virgin_?

Yeah. I am. Got a problem? _Of course you don't._

Oh_, _another bit of useful information in case anybody wants to plot against me: I have never kissed a girl.

And if you think it's time for you to scream out "OH, HOLY EFF. IF HE HASN'T KISSED A GIRL, THEN HE'S KISSED A GUY, HASN'T HE?", don't. I haven't kissed guys either.

And if you think I have, considering Naruto's and mine... little issue, rest assured. He has only _tried _to kiss me. He hasn't succeeded yet. Hopefully, he never will.

Onto even more seriously dramatic and heartbreaking shit.

I'm pissed of as hell. Yeah. Totally.

This fucking _lunatic _adopted us just, like, three and a half hours ago.

Us? Yes, us. Meaning Naruto, Kiba, Itachi-nii-chan, and yours truly, moi. Oh, and Akamaru, but he doesn't count 'cause he's a dog.

He is Kiba's doggie. The ass tried to bite me once. Now we're the best of friends.

Note the sarcasm?

Who's the fucking lunatic, you ask? Well, his name is Jiraiya.

Doesn't that sound like the name of a molester?

* * *

**The Part Where I Tell You What Happened**

_Three and a half hours ago_

Yeah. This sucks. What sucks? Being a fifteen soon-to-be-sixteen year old orphan.

Shall I interest you in some more intriguing news?

It's physically impossible to adopt me. See, this goddamn piece of junk called an orphanage is in need of money. We (Naruto, Kiba, Itachi, Akamaru, me) are the orphanage's most prized possessions. They won't sell one without the others being included.

Yes, the orphanage is an ass. I know. What sucks even more is that whenever there is a slight chance we all might get adopted, Naruto ruins it.

The faggot. I'll kill him one day.

Just when the chances grew slimmer and slimmer, some ugly ass old man barged in.

I think he might have been drunk, because he adopted us without a second thought after seeing our faces.

I felt somewhat in debt, but if you ask me, I think he looked rather perverted. Like Naruto does when he sees me shirtless after a hot shower.

And I know I'm digressing here, but Naruto's not gay either. He just likes toying with me.

So... I approached this... man.

Yeah.

I approached.

My mistake.

"Jiraiya," For that was the guys name, "why did you adopt us?" I asked, suddenly feeling suspicious of the old man.

No, wait, not suddenly. I was suspicious all along.

Well, guess what I get as an answer from the bastard?

"Cause you're all handsome. With you lot around I'm bound to get some good looking girls."

And he said it like it was the most obvious thing out there. Like, if we were butt ugly he wouldn't even consider paying money to adopt us.

Pervert.

Go die.

And I walked away.

Life, officially, is hell.

* * *

**The Part Where I Go Back To The Present**

Yeah. So yeah. Now we're in his freaking van. Even enormous Akamaru fits in. And do you know how freaking big that dog is? Well, he's BIG. Like, I'm-going-to-piss-my-pants-if-he-ever-barks type of big.

The windows are all open, exposing all of us to the dangers of the female race. Not that I can blame them; I'm as sexy as sexy gets.

Then I saw the girls looking at my best friend, and I cringed. God, ever since we became friends, those goddamn fan-clubs of ours merged and made this... yaoi one. Where they wrote... stuff... and drew... stuff...

And I'd totally be cool with them doing whatever the hell they wanted to in that _SasukeXNaruto _Club (although I'd never admit it), if they hadn't made me bottom in all of their stupid stories.

Naruto tops me? I mean, really? That piece of sunshine is impaired. And not just sexually.

Ugh.

Back to my sexiness.

Yeah, so girls don't think I'm sexy – they _know _I'm sexy. Sexy practically radiates off me, like sunshine does with Naruto.

I'm so lost in my thoughts...

Itachi looked at me and asked, "Do you want to have sex with me?"

Say what?

"Huh?" I turned to him.

"I said, do you want some gummy worms?" He held out a bag, and I peered in cautiously. Sure enough, gummy worms.

So the first bit must have been an illusion.

Yeah. Totally.

'Cause my brother is definitely not gay or interested in incest. Or pedophilia, for that matter.

All is gooooood.

* * *

**The Part Where I Say Good-Fucking-Bye**

Good-fucking-bye, sweet home at the orphanage. Hell-fucking-o house of molesting pedophile.

I must digress again by saying: I think the author's messing with me. Really. Who else would come up with this shit? Me, no. Definitely no.

Ah. Today's the day where I will be living under the roof of a strange pervert. Bye-fucking-bye good free days where I sooo did not give a fudge cake. Hell-fucking-o bad days where I won't be able to get sleep because the molester will be getting... laid?

So yeah. Good-fucking-bye. Sasuke Uchiha is OUT.

* * *

I love messin' with Sasuke. Makes life all the more fun.

This is probably the most epic fail of my life. Well, I did have a good time writing this. And I'm pretty sure some parts are funny.

Well, I appreciate reviews. And favs. And alerts.

Till I update again.

And Lauren: Hope you like dis.


	2. Lemons and Scars Part I

This is probably the quickest story I have updated in... well, weeks. 'Cause all I've been doing was writing new stories. Oh, well.

This story's probably going to be updated every 10 to 14 days. Give or take a few. ...So basically, bi-weekly.

And just so you know, I might update really early this week (maybe even tomorrow) cause Monday's my B-day.

Thanks for all of the support.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Lemons and Scars Part I**

**The Part Where I Wanna Sit In A Corner And Cry**

He - * cough * - I mean, she - * COUGH * - _I_ am pissy right now. And I know that's not a word. Don't judge.

Why wouldn't I be pissy? It's been three days and now I have to attend _school_? _What the hell?_

And to think I could just lock myself up in my room and play video games all day. Or stare at walls.

Or look at naked pictures of (* COUGH *) Naruto.

Sigh.

And if you're thinking that I'm gay - point taken. That was a pretty homosexual thing to say... think... write... whatever.

Geez, I'm so cranky I'm slowly turning bisexual.

I desperately need an emo corner. You know, that place where you just sit all emotionless and start randomly crying pools of blood and mascara and eyeliner, and then you realize that even though the tears are cascading and you're pouring your soul out 1) No one gives a fuck and 2) It doesn't help _shit_.

Damn that was a big sentence. God, am I slowly contradicting myself?

Am I slowly becoming... _emo_?

God, I shivered. Does that mean that I actually _am _emo, or does that mean that I'm afraid?

Maybe you can show me the way, err, God. Yeah, show me the way.

Out of this hell hole.

* * *

**The Part Where Life Gave Me Lemons... And A Scar**

No, not the type of lemons that random people post on the internet about... Uh, never mind. Because you'll probably get aroused or disgusted or have your innocent mind tainted like so many fucked up people I know.

Anyways, these were actual lemons. And I was planning on making some lemonade for breakfast before my life starts getting fucked up at school.

Sometimes, I'm too sexy for my own good. And I know you all agree.

Thing is, I have no idea how the hell I'm supposed to make lemonade. Seriously. So I cut the first lemon I got with a sharp knife and then squeezed. You know, the half of the lemon in my hand.

Bad idea.

"OWWWW! MY EYE. GOD DAMN IT, MY BEAUTIFUL FUCKING EYE! _WHAT THE HELL_!"

I hadn't realized that I dropped my utensils and the lemon until it was too late.

"OWWW, I'M FUCKING BLEEDING! MY LEG! OH, MY FUCKING LEG. HOLY _SHIT_. MY FOOT!"

And then the lemon came.

"HOLY SHIT. HOLY... AH! DO LEMONS HURT THIS MUCH WHEN ON A WOUND? CAUSE IT SURE AS HELL BURNS! IT _BURNS!_ SWEET MOTHER OF NARUTO, _IT FUCKING BURNS!_"

And then Naruto came.

"Oi, teme, why did you scream my name out so early in the morning? Don't tell me you finally want to have sex cause I'm tired," he yawned.

"Shut the hell up and get me a first aid kit; I'm fucking _bleeding _here!"

Naruto looked at my wound. "How the hell did that happen?"

"JUST GET THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT!"

"Alright alright. Geez, get over yourself."

While Naruto was getting the box, I was whimpering, and I guess that made Naruto ponder and take a second look at the injury.

"Oh God, Sasuke, _how the hell did you _accomplish_ that?_"

My right foot was covered in the red liquid that had earlier splattered in various directions. A large and sharp knife dug through my pale skin. Basically, the long piece of metal stuck out of my foot at an angle. Right next to that angled knife... was a lemon. And that lemon had somehow connected to my goddamn wound.

Damn that bitch was _big._

Hell, even I didn't know how I could have possibly accomplished that. All I knew was that it hurt like fried shit.

"_Dobe, get this fucking knife out of my leg _right now."

"You could have done that yourself you know, instead of screaming and whining." But he complied, and I was grateful.

For a short while anyways.

"AHHHHH! OWWWW! SHIT, SHIT!"

"Should I remove the lemon as well?"

I glared. "What do you think, dobe?"

"Right. Removal of the lemon shall partake in five, four..."

"SHUT UP AND DO IT ALREADY!"

I felt relieved when that cursed fruit thingie left my leg alone. Naruto started bandaging.

"Care to share?" he asked.

I was suddenly embarrassed. Technically, it was Naruto's role to act like the retard; not mine.

"I was trying to make lemonade."

He snickered. "Who the hell makes lemonade at six am in the morning?"

I decided to change the subject before my pride got wounded any further. "Think it'll scar?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. Imagine, Naruto rolling his eyes – and at me!

"What do you think, dumb ass? The knife went through pretty much most of your fucking foot, severing many of your nerves and muscles, and you think it won't _scar_? What are you, mentally challenged?"

"No!" I scoffed as he continued to treat my foot. Being asked if you were mentally challenged by your best friend is not the best thing to hear.

"And look, you're in denial," he added.

What a fucking _jerk_.

* * *

**The Part Where I Want Someone To Shoot Me**

_Now. _

"Oh, oh! Tell me again! That's so fucking hilarious!"

"Shut up already," I groaned, unable to finish my pancakes.

"No no no no no. Continue!" And Kiba began to laugh, _again_, at my complete _fail._

Yes. My complete and utter _failure. _

"Do you want me to buy you some scar remover, Sasuke?" Itachi asked, concerned.

Aww, my emotionless brother _cares. _"Yes please..."

"Or not," Naruto butted in.

"Ughhhh..." Shoot me now someone. Now_. Please. _Before the humiliating kills me itself.

I can see my gravestone already:

_**Here lies Sasuke Uchiha**_

_**The retard who stabbed his foot**_

Just _shoot me. _

Oh, look! It's Jiriaya... with a woman.

Why am I not surprised?

But then again, this woman was around the same age as the perv...

"This is the retarded boy I was talking about." And he pointed at _me._

"This is the boy that stabbed himself?"

"Ughhh..."

"Unintentionally..." I heard Naruto whisper.

"You adopted a bunch of morons!" she screeched. And then she walked up to me, bent down... and began undoing my bandages?

"What the hell are you doing!"

Jiraiya was the one to answer. "Chill, Tsunade is a doctor."

Oh joy.

"Damn, kid. What the hell led you to _this_?" she asked, pointing at my beautiful foot which was still somewhat bleeding.

"He was attempting to make lemonade!" Kiba roared in laughter.

I turned my head to look at him. "_I'm going to kill you, Kiba Inuzuka, and then you will die._"

"Dude, you just said the same thing – twice."

…

"Damn!"

"Hehehe... Sasuke-chan, I think I've got a solution to relieve your stress... and pain." Naruto smirked.

"I. Don't. Want. To. Know."

"Oh come on! All we need is a couple of hours... some lube..."

"EWWW. Just EWW. UGHHHHHH."

Being encouraged by your best friend to sleep with him is _not_ cool. Especially when said best friend is heterosexual. Especially when _you _are heterosexual.

"UGHHHHHHH," I groaned.

I can't fucking _wait _until school starts.

Can't fucking _wait. _

* * *

Ah, messing with Sasuke. It's great.

Oh, and I'm not against gays or anything cause of this story. Hell, I want gay friends; cause I honestly don't have any.

Because apparently there is such a thing as a scar remover. This is probably the most OOC chapter I have ever written. Be it this story or any other. I hope you enjoy! =)


	3. Lemons and Scars Part II

It's kind of sad how the people you used to know so well don't speak to you at all anymore, don't text, don't call, don't message. I guess that's what happens though, people move on while you're stuck thinking about the past. Alas, I'm digressing.

This story is still for the 'somebody that I used to know', **Akatsuki's a bang**. If she chooses to pick it up again and read it, I hope she will enjoy it.

In many ways, it is an apology for not being there during her hardships and her successes, and never having the courage to pick up the phone and call or text her, or ask her how she's been.

In other ways, it is a birthday gift, because today, 7/7, is her date of birth.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Lemons and Scars Part II**

**The Part Where We Transfer**

Yup. You read that right. Nope, I did not get a break because my foot was killed. Absolutely not.

_Damn that stupid woman!_

Ahem. We got to Konoha High at 7:10 am. Got our schedules at 7:20 with some minor threats and 'kyaa's. (I just want to know... what the hell is up with women and their 'kyaa's? I mean, I know I'm sexy, but _really?_) Pedophilic counselor helped us tour the school and showed us our classes around 7:25.

7:40. Itachi left us to go into the junior halls, and our new teacher decided to randomly hide us.

Yes. He hid us.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS SCHOOL!?

Officially 7:43, all the students not already in class filed in. I saw very long, flowy pink hair through the door crack, but disregarded it. Sasuke Uchiha does not want anymore fangirls, you see. Oh no. Definitely not.

7:45, bell had finally rung, and our brain dead sensei decided it was time for his new pupils to come out of the closet.

No joke, son, no joke.

I swear, if this day gets any worse, I will go on a hunting spree. A human hunting spree.

AHEM.

As the closet door opened, I followed the dobe out, wobbling as Kiba, who was behind me, snickered quietly.

Assface.

We lined up accordingly, facing our surprisingly large audience. Our class. The elevated rows were filled with students of all sorts, male and female, black and white and Asian and God knows what, goth and nerd and jock, but the majority of the people looked just... peculiar. Piercings, tattoos, funky hair styles, different hair _colors_, odd make up, even odder eye color, interesting fashion sense...

Kiba would be alright in this environment. And Naruto? He would thrive here.

Naruto would fit in juuuuuust swell.

"Class, these are the new transfer students, Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, Inuzuka Kiba," our new teacher, Iruka-sensei, introduced.

Suddenly, something creepy occurred.

The atmosphere altered, and thirty something pairs of eyes glanced at us. Saw through our souls. The guys, for the most part, didn't seem eager to get to know us deep down, but the girls... The girls fell...

In love...

With at least one of us, I can assure you.

So it seemed that I _could _blossom like a flower here. Who would have guessed?

The eyes of our newest fangirls sparkled like Edward Cullen's ass, and I could see some of the more dangerous, less sane girls who I would have to run from and to whom I would grant my ever beautiful 'death glare' through the course of this wonderful school year.

Papa was home!

I could see them practically drool over my gelled hair, porcelain skin, simple white v-neck and black semi-skinny jeans. I also viewed how they appreciated Naruto's surfer dude look, complete with the tan, the blond locks, and the amused grin, and Kiba's... what ever look Kiba had, including his rather interesting take on facial tattoos and mesh...

I glanced to one side, saw Naruto eyeing someone... I followed his gaze to a girl with the biggest boobs I had ever seen. In my life.

And that's saying something.

Wait, no it isn't.

She was a pretty thing, with long navy blue hair and a regular purple tee. Not my type, but good for Naruto, I suppose.

With Iruka blabbing in the background about student respect and becoming friends and catching up on work and blah blah blah, I gazed on further.

Sitting next to Big Boobs was another attractive girl, one with a slim figure, freakishly long platinum blonde hair, and piercing blue-green eyes. And sitting next to her was...

Bingo, though she wasn't necessarily looking at me. Long bubblegum pink hair, lime green eyes, big forehead...

And now we shall welcome the Three Musketeers: Big Boobs, Blondie, and Forehead!

Would you look at that? If you go one seat further, there is yet another attractive young lady, Chinese by the looks of it, with brown hair tied in a bun.

And now we have the true story, The Three Musketeers, featuring Bun Chick as d'Artagnan.

Isn't life just wonderful?

* * *

**The Part Where I Realize That Life is in NO WAY 'Wonderful'**

I made eye contact with Forehead. And as I held her sizzling gaze, I attempted walking.

And tripped.

And fell.

And OHMYGOD IF THAT WAS NARUTO I HEARD GIGGLING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL I WAS GOING TO CHOKE SOMEONE.

Preferably Naruto.

I could feel my stitches being tested, and despite the hysteria (outside of the fangirls, they were just _devastated_) I had caused, Kiba and Naruto picked me up, like the servants they were.

MUAHAHAHAHAHA. KNEEL MY BITCHES.

I noticed yet another thing as I stood back on my feet, as if I had not just fallen. There was a guy. Staring very,very intently. At Naruto.

Look at you, Sasuke, being so beautiful and observant. You deserve a cookie!

I sure as hell hope I get one. Soon.

So anyway, this dude, he wasn't like the other dudes. With him, it wasn't mere annoyance or curiosity, it was a deeper meaning. Not necessarily love (I wasn't too quick to assume he was gay, despite the make up and the bloody hair), but more like a bond. An unbroken bond, where none understood you better than the other. Like... a brother bond.

NARUTO BETTER NOT LEAVE ME FOR THIS GUY I SWEAR.

What the heck is wrong with me?

We were finally seated as Iruka concluded his unheard, passionate speech about God knows what, and the three of us quickly sat at the back of the room. Countless girls turned around to grab our attention (despite Iruka having started the lesson), offering their notes, their lunches (I actually took one, because I had forgotten mine at home), their hair, blood, virginity, all that fun stuff.

Outside of the one lunch I took, I managed to block the girls' pathetic, high-pitched, deafening voices with my supremely selective hearing.

'Cause that's how I roll.

* * *

**The Part Where I Make Eye Contact With the Creepy Dude**

That's right. The creepy dude. AKA the guy who was fantasizing about a bromance with Naruto a mere ten minutes ago. AKA the guy who was currently wearing (and pulling off, I might say) blood-red hair, raccoon black eye shadow, mascara, what appeared to black circles caused by sleeplessness, really deathly pale skin, and a burgundy shirt.

Oh, and apparently I forgot to mention the black nail polish, and the red tattoo inked to the side of his forehead, the kanji for 'love'.

I really could not see why he would have 'love' plastered on his face, but whatever floated the boat.

Only his glare. His deathly glare could match mine. And probably win, despite my empty irises being obsidian, and his being a strange green...

Seriously, what was it with everybody here having some kind of green in their eyeballs? Someone's been screwing way too many people.

As I shivered, strangely afraid for my life, Naruto waved to the bastard, a grin playing at his chiseled face.

The bastard waved back awkwardly, a tiny smirk about to don his visage.

This guy was fishy. So, so fishy. I bet he was planning to kill me, then replace me with himself as Naruto's best friend, and then the fangirls would have something to write AND talk about.

But not on my watch, no sirrah.

To completely digress, that pinkhead was getting cuter and cuter...

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

* * *

And that is finally finished.

Next Update: 7-10-13

Updates will now be every three days.

Also, the school system is a bit weird – it's a mix between the actual academy in the manga/anime, a typical Japanese school and a typical American high school. So there you go.

And I know Sasuke isn't a particular fan of titles and respecting his superiors, but when you take out the childhood trauma and hate there really is no point in following small character behaviors, because the foundation has already been broken.

Thanks for reading, please review! :D


	4. Food Fight

So I suppose, in a way, updating is every two days if you don't like counting the previous update date... Or this one. Or what.

Enjoy the chapter, and please review. :)

* * *

**Chapter Four: Food Fight**

**The Part ****Where We Eat**

We found an empty table to sit at, a table away from the Musketeers, two tables from 'Gaara' (as he is dubbed by Iruka-sensei, but I, for one, strictly believe he should consider changing his name to Psycho) and his groupie, and left of the Lazy Group, composed of Shikamaru Nara (supposedly smart, but I had my doubts), Choji Akimichi (he won't stop eating), Neji Hyuuga (who was currently ignoring everyone and picking at his food like the emo, long haired dude he was), and Lee Rock (who happened to be the only one with a 24 hour access of energy).

I might as well shoot myself now, because I have a feeling this school isn't going to get any better.

My brother stalked right past us to what seemed to be an all Juniors and Seniors table, and sat next to a guy. But not just any guy. A guy with a marionette on his lap, and strings attached to his fingers connecting to all of the puppet's limbs.

Great. My brother was associating with insanely creepy people.

Again.

I turned towards Naruto, only to find him blubbering about the girl he saw earlier today.

"Her name's Hinata," he started quietly (so unlike his usual self). "She's smart, and nice, she likes animals, her birthday's in December, she likes to read, her favorite subject is English, and if you look really closely, you'd notice that her eye color is actually lavender; a lot of people think she wears white contacts, because her irises are really light, but she was born with purple eyes. How cool is that?"

Kiba snorted, "I'm going to stop you before you go on any further than you have to. How'd you figure all of this out within the span of-" he eyed the time on his phone, "-two and a half hours, counting break?"

I was kind of hoping for an answer to this question myself.

"Simple. I talked to her."

Kiba choked on something as I dropped my chopsticks. "Wait-" he coughed, trying to regain his breathing, "come again?"

"... I talked to her?" Unsure, Naruto fiddled with his thumbs.

I bet he got that habit from Big Boobs.

"So you, Naruto Uzumaki, are telling me that you spoke... with a girl? And didn't say something completely profane and/or inappropriate?"

Yup, I think I'll let Kiba handle this one. The brunet looked ready to crack a case.

"Nope," Naruto replied evenly.

Something was definitely fishy.

"Stare at her boobs the whole time?" Detective Kiba asked.

"Nope."

"Not even once?"

"Nope."

"Go off on her about the beauty of ramen?"

"I mentioned it was my favorite food, but I didn't rant about it."

"Talk about Jiraiya?"

"Nope."

"Kiss her?"

"Nope."

"Touch her?"

"Nope."

Kiba sighed, frustrated. Hell, I was, too. "Sasuke, give me something, I'm running out of questions to ask."

I thought on it a little, briefly reviewing the already answered ones. "How about..." I turned to Naruto, "did you make a fool of yourself in any way?"

"Yes," he blushed, "but she found it endearing."

Well hot damn, she found it _endearing_. As in _cute_. As in Naruto didn't freak her out in anyway, shape, or form, and Naruto was actually on his semi-best behavior.

They were... perfect for each other.

"Would you look at that, they're perfect for each other," Kiba voiced my thoughts.

"Yup."

And then something occurred.

* * *

**The Part Where There is a Showdown**

Now, I was quite sure it wasn't supposed to happen, despite what the school inevitably stood for, which I assumed was craziness and being different. (The motto, I would soon come to know, was '_We are different, we are strong'_. This whole school was asking for gang fights.)

Before I continue on, there is something – or, rather, _someone_ – who I forgot to mention.

Karin.

Karin, with her layered hot pink hair, her red eyes, her hipster glasses. Karin, with her revealing clothes, her annoying, flirty voice, her Mega Fangirl Mode 2.0. Karin, who apparently really liked me now.

And really hated Sakura Haruno, AKA Forehead.

Let's continue.

Karin walked up to my table, batting her fake eyelashes and pressing her elbows to her (* cough * nonexistent * cough *) breasts to make them appear bigger.

I'm telling you right now, it didn't work.

"Sa-su-ke-kun~"

Here was another thing I absolutely _loathed_: when girls pronounced my name in syllables because apparently that's cute. Or something.

It's not.

"So I was think-ing-"

Enunciating syllables? Not. Attractive.

"-me and you-"

You and _I_, dumbass.

"-on the rooftop in ten minutes?"

How about no?

Naruto snorted, Kiba had a hard time keeping in his laughter.

"Listen, Karin..." I don't like you, I don't find you attractive, I think you should go to hell, I don't need a psychopathic girlfriend anytime soon...

"Yes?" Insert eyelash batting.

"No."

The look in her eyes changed (probably because she wasn't used to the word 'no'), and the fact that I chose to look at the Musketeers' table at the time probably didn't help.

Because Karin noticed. Karin noticed everything. And who was Karin planning to blame?

Sakura.

Forehead.

Pinkhead.

Whatever head.

Karin grabbed a random, poor girl's lunch, got close enough to Sakura, and chucked it.

Insert awkward silence as everybody in the cafe stilled their movement to watch it all go down.

Sakura finally turned around, most likely because she felt cold spaghetti traveling down her back. "You _so_ did not just do that."

She stood...

And kneed Karin in the stomach.

What.

Oh, and I forgot to mention, right afterward, she grabbed the leftovers of her lunch and poured them over Karin's head.

"You little bitch!"

Cue dramatic cat fight involving lots of food. Even though it only lasted about a minute (and guess who had the upper hand? That's right. Sakura), it enforced Sakura's apparently badass image, and called pity on the dumb idiot who challenged her to a fight.

I'm telling you, this school is crazy. Everyone was cheering. Even the teachers present in the cafeteria. No one came in to try to stop them.

Well, until I elbowed Naruto so he could help me pull the two apart. I grabbed Sakura, he grabbed Karin. The girls weren't too happy about that, judging by the way Karin clawed at Naruto's face, and the way Sakura kept trying to bite my arm off.

I was going to be deaf and bruised by the day's end.

Finally, the two girls calmed enough not to attack us, but still every now and then tried to wiggle out of our locks to fight each other.

As if one fight wasn't enough.

"Come here you little bitch!"

"I could kill you with my bare hands, you easy slut!"

Cue Principal.

"What is going on here?!"

The principal was an old man, tall and lanky, tan but white haired.

"Sarutobi-san," one of the teachers tried, but Principal Sarutobi mentally smacked the guy with his Death Glare.

"A fight?" He observed the scene, and everyone nodded their heads in unison. His eyes darkened further, placed on the four of us.

Naruto and I let go of the girls, and everyone straightened up.

"You four, with me, _now._"

This is what happens when I try to stop two girls from killing each other.

Damn.

* * *

**The Part Where There is a Walk of Shame**

Right behind ya, Sarutobi. And left of Naruto. And in front of the girls.

I have a terrible feeling that I'm not getting out of this, despite my seemingly heroic actions.

I hate school.

* * *

Next Update: 7-13-13

PLEASE REVIEW AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. NO. FIVE-EVER.


	5. Threats and Lessons

The people that I love FIVE-EVER: **Jasmine-.-Momo-chan**, **goodenough**, and** MistressOfBlack**. Now I wonder if I can get more people so that I can love everybody SIX-EVER?

(I haven't mentioned this, but the chapters are meant to be short and sweet, and this story, as well. :))

* * *

**Chapter Five: Threats and Lessons**

**The Part Where We Get in Trouble**

We followed our principal to his office, and sat in the available chairs (thankfully, there were four, besides Sarutobi-sensei's). Sarutobi-sensei sat directly across from us, at a mahogany, classy desk, his eyes deadly serious.

"Tell me what happened," he commanded, entwining his fingers and resting his chin atop them.

I had a feeling no matter what was said, everyone would still get in trouble.

Karin, putting herself about others, began telling her side of the story.

And boy was she sappy and fake as _fuck._

"So, like, me and Sasuke were talking, and I guess Sakura got jealous or something, so I'm like, 'calm down', and then she got even madder, and then she hit me, and like, I had to defend myself, so I might have thrown some spaghetti at her... and then there was a lot of biting... and punching... and hair pulling... and I think I have nacho cheese in my bra! This was like, my favorite bra!"

Say what.

"Now let me tell you why that's bullshit," Sakura intervened.

"Haruno-san, I will not allow such language in what is considered a 'safe environment'." He pointed to the sign on his door, as if that proved anything.

This place was in no way safe at all.

"But go on."

So Sakura stated her role in the story. "I'm sitting at lunch with my friends when I feel something hit my back - spaghetti. I turn around, and there's Karin. I say something along the line of, 'you so did not just do that', and then I see her look of victory, so I knee her in the stomach and slam my leftovers over her head. Then there was some swearing, biting, hair pulling, kicking, screaming, the usual. Then these two-" she gestured at us, "-decided to interfere before I accidentally killed Karin."

"You wish, Forehead."

"I dream of it."

Sarutobi coughed to gather back their attention. "Is that all from the two of you?"

Begrudgingly, the two of them said 'yes'.

"Now you," he eyed me creepily, as if this was all my fault. Which I guess, technically, it was. "Tell me your part of the story."

"Well... Karin came up to me, started flirting, asked me to meet her on the rooftop in ten minutes, and I clearly declined. I kind of glanced at the next table over, coincidentally Sakura's table, because the look Karin was giving me was super scary. As if I was meat she wanted to devour, or something. So Karin grabs a random girl's lunch (spaghetti), gets close to Sakura, and chucks it at her. Sakura turns around, says her sassy line, and then knees Karin. Oh, and grabs her own lunch and drops it over Karin's head. Then hell breaks loose, and they're in this ring, fighting. All that stuff they mentioned. I grab Naruto and we intervene, pulling the girls apart, so that Sakura doesn't accidentally kill Karin and get charged with manslaughter. And honestly, I'm pretty sure Karin would have begun crying if not for us."

That has got to be the longest thing I've said in pretty much ever. No one interrupted me, either. Not even Naruto.

And so what if I tweaked the beginning a little? It's not like anyone noticed. Or knew. Or anything.

Or did they?

Huh.

"Naruto-kun, would you like to tell your side of the story?" Sarutobi asked after a moment of silence.

"Nope, I'm good..."

The old man knew our names already, how fantabulous.

"Are you sure?" he pressed.

"Yep."

"Are you positive you have nothing to add?"

"Yes."

"Well, alright," he turned his attention to the four of us as a group and heaved softly. "I am deeply disappointed in all of you."

Say what?

"You," he eyed Karin. "For getting jealous and being the first to engage in conflict."

"You," he moved on to Sakura. "For beating the crap out of Karin, instead of handling the situation as if it didn't bother you."

"You," his glare came down on me. "For not only being the issue of the fight, but also for getting in between the fight instead of calling a teacher!"

"With all due respect, sir, the teachers were there, and they didn't look like they were planning to stop a fight anytime soon," Naruto backed me up.

Sarutobi chose to ignore the comment. "And you," his angry face gazed at Naruto. "For following your idiot friend blindly without thinking of the consequences."

Annnddddd I hate this guy.

"Since I know, or at least hope, that you all have busy schedules, you will serve detention only today, from after school until nine pm. It will be held in your usual classroom. The first part of detention will be with Ibiki-san, our school psychologist. A ten minute break will follow, after which Kakashi-san, the health teacher, will take over. I expect you all to be on your best behavior, because if not, I will extend detention. Do you understand?"

There was a murmur of 'yes' as faces slowly paled. Including Naruto's, which shouldn't have been possible.

We had detention.

For more than six hours.

Yaaaaaaay.

* * *

**The Part Where We Go Back to Class**

We got in class, losing a third of whatever the hell our teacher was lecturing about, and tried to draw as little attention as possible while maneuvering to our seats.

And failed.

"I see Sarutobi finally finished lecturing you all," our teacher, Kurenai-sensei, evenly spoke without giving us a glance.

… Aaaand the whole class was now staring at us, mostly with odd grins on their faces.

This school was an _insane asylum_.

Tell me again how I got here?!

A day in and I already had six hours of detention, weird teachers, and mentally unstable classmates.

Was this even possible?!

"I don't even know why we got in trouble, Kurenai-sensei, it's not like a mass body of people was hurt, nor was it the first fight of the year," Sakura broke the silence.

"It's Sarutobi-san, his punishments fluctuate with his moods. Anyway, take your seats, borrow the notes if you can't catch on by the end." Kurenai-sensei started writing again.

And that was that.

I must be in Hell, or something, because this definitely shouldn't have been possible.

Gaara spotted me, gave a demented grin, and did a slitting gesture with his hand at his throat.

Yup.

I'm in Hell.

* * *

Next Update: 7-16-13

How many reviews can I get for SIX-EVER LOOOOOVE? And the story, lol?


	6. Detention

Thank you for you reviews, **FancyToaster**, **Jasmine-.-Momo-chan**, and **MistressOfBlack**. :)

And shout out to **MistressOfBlack** because yesterday was her birthday. :D

* * *

**Chapter Six: Detention**

**The Part Where I Consider Jumping Out the Window**

It had only been five minutes into detention and I felt like shooting myself. Naruto came in for ten seconds to be present for attendance, then excused himself to the restroom.

Ibiki-sensei was the sort of teacher who made freshmen piss their pants in fright, with his scarred face, scarred arms, scarred legs, scarred everything, his harsh, unyielding eyes, his lack of hair, and his suspicious fashion sense.

His answer to the ever asked question, 'What the hell happened to you?'?

He used to work at an insane asylum.

_You still do_, I wanted to tell him, but I wasn't quite ready to come face to face with the dude. He looked like he belonged in the mafia.

I'm surprise Naruto was allowed to leave detention.

The four of us (or, technically, three as of right now) were the only ones in detention; Sakura sat nearby me, and Karin on the opposite side of the room, pouting quietly. Apparently she wanted to be next to awesome me, ogling me until her eyeballs fell out, but she hadn't quite recovered from having the crap beaten out of her by Sakura.

She who stood between me and creepy fangirls.

My guardian angel.

I could weep, but that would require too much effort.

Anyway, I peeked out the window, being seated right next to it, and guess who I saw?

That's right. Naruto. Attempting to woo Hinata, the big boobed wonder. And from the looks of it, he was succeeding.

Great.

I watched as they quickly exchanged numbers, and Naruto even had the balls to kiss her on the cheek before running back inside.

She blushed as he left.

I HAD SEEN ENOUGH.

I slammed my forehead down on my desk and heard the snicker of Sakura Haruno.

Glad to know someone felt joy seeing my internal demise.

Naruto jumped into the seat right next to me and gave a grand grin.

Cheeky bastard. And Ibiki hadn't even noticed Naruto entering. Or the fact that he had left for ten minutes.

In fact, Ibiki-sensei hadn't noticed much of anything.

My eyes fell on our prison guard, and would you look at that? He was sleeping, but with the straightest face I had ever seen. He was still as stone, seated in his chair as if glued to it.

It was super creepy.

Anyway, I finished up my nonexistent homework and faced Naruto.

"I saw you, you tricky bastard." I gave him my Ultimate Death Glare 1.5.

"Should I text her?" He showed me his phone screen.

Sakura, who was on the other side of me, turned to include herself in the conversation.

And even though this was supposed to be strictly bro, I suppose a girl's opinion would help.

"Are you guys talking about Hinata?" she whispered, genuinely curious.

We nodded our heads in unison.

"I'd wait until break time," she started, "that way you don't look desperate and she has time to finish all her work and chores."

Naruto considered, then consulted us again, "How do I know she won't text me first?"

Both Sakura and I gave him a funny look.

"Come on, dude, it's Hinata. _Come on_."

"Point taken."

And that's how the three of us bonded over Naruto's love life while Karin silently cried in the corner.

* * *

**The Part Where Kakashi Comes In**

After break, and Naruto's successful start-up text to Hinata (_Hey :) We didn't get to talk much today, so will you tell me more about yourself? :)_), Kakashi-sensei came in.

Now let me tell you something about Kakashi-sensei. Kakashi-sensei was the sort of teachers girls had the hots for, and didn't even know why. He was very young for a teacher, probably in his early to mid twenties, but just as qualified as every other person here. Kakashi-sensei had spiky gray hair and black eyes. A straight, vertical scar ran from some point on his forehead, which was hidden by bangs, to the top of his cheek, right though his left eye. He was build, he was tall, and he was the most perverted teacher in this whole damn school.

And that's saying something.

As I speak/write/think this all, Kakashi is reading the latest edition of Icha Icha, which, coincidentally, is written by my perverted adoptive father.

And the cover is _signed_ by my pervy adoptive father, too.

Whoopty freaking hoo.

Let me tell you something else about Kakashi, while I'm at it.

Kakashi-sensei does not give a fuck. He came in to relieve Ibiki thirty minutes after break ended, gave the biggest bullshit excuse I have ever heard (something about an old hag, and other), then pulled out his porn and said, "Do whatever the hell you guys want to do, so long as you don't leave the room."

And he's just been sitting there, reading.

And we've been sitting here, silently judging.

Eventually we stopped, because hating (and I can't believe I'm saying this, because I've been known to hold grudged for eternity), requires too much energy. Naruto went back to texting Hinata with unknown vigor, while Forehead and I decided to get to know each other.

* * *

**The Part Where We Get to Know Each Other **

It went something like this:

S: "Favorite color?"

Me: "Blue. You?"

S: "Pink."

Me: "Favorite subject?"

S: "Surprisingly, health. And biology. You?"

Me: "Phys Ed."

S: "Hobbies?"

Me: "Hating, and MMA."

S: "Really? I'm into flower arrangement and Karate."

Me: "Don't you think that's a little contradictory?"

S: "Nah."

Me: "Favorite food?"

S: "Syrup-coated anko dumplings. You?"

Me: "Tomatoes."

S: "I don't think that counts."

Me: "Fine, omusubi."

S: "Favorite teacher."

Me: Blink, involuntarily sneer. "The closest answer you can get is Iruka, and that's only because he's one of the only teachers I don't hate with a burning passion. You?"

S: "Kurenai-sensei, but if not her I'd go with Anko."

Me:"With _Anko_? I mean, I know you like bio, but Anko is insane. Not to mention I have a feeling those snakes she keeps around are poisonous."

S: "Yeah, only three are poisonous, the rest are okay."

Me: "..."

S: "Favorite animal?"

Me: "Phoenix."

S: "_Real_ animal."

Me: "Fine. Dog."

S: "Really? Kakashi-sensei owns a lot of dogs."

Me: "Never mind then. I guess I don't have any. You?"

S: "Real? Slug. Fantasy? Unicorn."

Me: "I have a bad feeling you're not joking."

S: "I'm not. Favorite insect."

Me: "Never thought about it. Ants. You?"

S: "Cockroaches."

Me: "You really are one of a kind, aren't you?"

S: "Thanks."

Me: "Future career choice?"

S: "Surgeon, you?"

Me: "Detective."

… And so on, and so forth.

Naruto joined us halfway through, and then there was lots of gossiping, until eventually it hit 9:00. Kakashi bolted, and so did the four of us.

Blondie and I said goodbye to Sakura, ignored Karin for the billionth time, and walked home.

* * *

**The Part Where There is Barking**

"I sincerely hope to God that isn't Akamaru."

* * *

I'll have you know, I looked it up, and apparently a slug is classified as an animal. Now, I'm not the greatest at reading the biological terms, but I believe "Animalia" speaks for itself.

Next Update: 07-19-13

REVIEW FOR LOOOOOVE! :)


	7. Akatsuki

As per usual, lots of love for **FancyToaster**, **Jasmine-.-Momo-chan**, and **MistressOfBlack **for taking time to review, and anon **1Cherry Blossom**. :) Thank you guys!

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Akatsuki**

**The Part Where There is a Next Day**

And, literally, everyone wanted to talked to us or just look at us with smirks on their faces. Shikamaru and his girlfriend, Temari (who was Gaara's older sister, and I never doubted that fact for a second), eyeballed the three of us (yes, Naruto and I walked along with Sakura) with gleams in their eyes. Temari even winked at Sakura, probably because the two of them took karate at the same studio, and Temari was very, very violent. Following them was Bun Chick, AKA Tenten, who started up a conversation with Sakura on _fighting skills _and the use of potential _weapons_, leaving Neji, who was apparently her boyfriend (and I really doubted this) confused in the dust.

These people were maniacs.

Choji came up to us and offered some barbeque chips.

I'll say that again.

Choji.

Came up to us.

And offered some barbeque chips.

At the same time this phenomenon occurred, Ino, the flat chested blonde who sat next to Sakura in class, latched onto her, and the three girls flew through the hallway.

Choji watched them pass by alongside us. "My girlfriend is crazy," he commented.

What circle of hell is this?

* * *

**The Part Where Class Begins**

And this is how it began: somehow the three of us managed to regroup and walk into class at the same time. Everyone shut the hell up, looked to where Karin was sitting quietly in the corner, nurturing her black eye, looked to Sakura, looked to us, looked to the teacher, looked back at us.

Then there was clapping.

I don't even-

What.

Everyone here must really hate Karin.

Or they were just mentally insane.

Or both.

Most likely both.

* * *

**The Part Where I Realize My Brother Has Joined a Gang**

I found Itachi and his 'friends' stalking their way to us.

On a completely different note, I'm not quite sure where Kiba's been lately.

Anyway, Itachi and his clique stopped inches from us, and Itachi introduced us to these strangers.

His new best friend, Kisame, who literally looked like a fish. And I cannot emphasize how literally. His whole skin was dyed blue, his flipping hair was blue, he had beady fucking fish eyes, and strange lines underneath them, and his teeth were sharp and pointy.

I don't know how many operations this guy had gone through, but he looked crazy as hell.

Next came Pein, apparently the leader of this gang, who had bright orange hair, really, really freaky eyes, and piercings. Everywhere. Every. Fucking. Where.

Then Sasori, who, except for the nail polish on his fingers and the marionette in his arms, appeared semi normal, with rusty red hair and burgundy eyes.

… And then there was Deidara, who could have passed as Ino, only with darker hair and pure blue eyes. Now this guy, in all his glory, had mouths with tongues sticking out tattooed on the palms of his hands.

Following Deidara was Tobi, whose face was painted in an orange swirl pattern. I mean all of it. And oh, his hair was black. That's about it.

After Tobi was Konan, with blue hair and piercings. I had a feeling she and Pein were a thing.

Itachi presented Zetsu next, who was by far one of the more abstract in the group. Half his body was tattoed/dyed/what the hell/ how am I supposed to know this black, the other half was pure white. His eyes were yellow and his hair was green. Fucking green. And he was wearing a hat. A hat made out of some sort of cactus. And he was dressed in all green.

I can't even contemplate this shit.

Then came Hidan, who looked older, with his gelled back gray hair, and his dark hair. Oh, and I was positive he was a follower of Jashin because of his cult necklace (don't ask me how I know), and his miniature three bladed scythe.

And last, but not least, was Kakuzu, who was tan, had neon green eyes, and was stitched with thick threads _everywhere._

But of course, because this is_ Konoha fucking High School_, no one batted a fucking eyelid.

And guess what was the one thing all of them had in common?

That's right. A fucking leather band with swirly red clouds on their wrists.

Because they were the Akatsuki.

Because my brother had joined a fucking gang.

Because flying fuck.

I am so done with life.

* * *

**The Part Where I Go Home and Contemplate Life**

But guess what? I can't even fucking do that whole emo thing in the corner, because Itachi invited his evil, psycho sociopaths to come over and hang out.

I can't.

I cannot do this.

I might as well go up to Hidan and ask him if he takes human sacrifices.

Knowing him to be a Jashin, he probably does.

Even though I'm pretty sure that's illegal. No, actually, I'm very sure that's illegal.

Ugh.

Naruto poked me, and I jumped.

"Dude," he began, "why are you so freaking uptight and emo?"

"Because there are crazy people downstairs."

"And?"

"And I have a feeling they're going to do something cult-like, and then I'll have no other option but to murder Itachi in his sleep."

Naruto threw me a grin. "Don't worry, I invited a couple people over with Jiraiya's permission, they're not going to do anything weird with witnesses around."

I snorted. "You say that like it's a good thing."

"It is."

I sighed and stood up, dragging myself from my pathetic corner to my less pathetic bed. I jumped on it, then turned to Naruto. "How many people did you invite?"

"Just a couple."

And when he meant 'just a couple', he actually meant practically the whole sophomore group, half the juniors and a good portion of the seniors, as I came to realize a few moments later when I went downstairs.

I should have known.

I'm in hell.

Living, breathing, fucking hell.

It doesn't get any better than this.

* * *

Next Update: 07-22-13

REVIEW FOR THE LOVE! :D


	8. Party, Party

Big thanks to all of my beautiful reviewers, and to clarify... I am female. :)

I would also like to mention that Hana isn't in here because when I began writing this story I didn't think so far ahead. Sorry if that is in anyway disappointing, I already have my story web done. :)

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Party, Party**

**The Part Where I Try to be a Legitimate Host**

And failed pathetically.

You see, the only thing teenagers wanted at a party was booze, and Jiraiya already left that out in the open and retreated to his 'study'.

The other thing they wanted was pot, but we didn't have any of that, we didn't approve of that, and no one thought that far ahead to bring pot with them.

Unless Zetsu counted as pot.

Haha, who am I kidding, no he didn't.

He counted as a potential serial killer.

And I really, really hoped he wasn't behind me.

"Sasuke," I jumped at the sound of my own name and turned around quickly. "Are you enjoying the party?"

_No. _

"No."

"I assumed as much," my newly gang-a-fied brother stated, working his standard emotionless face.

"Then why did you bother asking?"

"Small talk, this, that."

Disturbed, I said, "Alright," and moved on to be victimized by yet another partying teen.

On a slightly uplifting (though not really) note, that next teenager happened to be Kiba. I poked him hesitantly on the shoulder.

"Hey, not to sound like I missed you, because knowing myself I probably didn't, but where exactly have you been?"

"Me? I've been hanging out at Shino's. His bug things are pretty cool. Hanabi sometimes drops by, and she's pretty cute for a freshman."

Wait, rewind. "Who the hell is Hanabi and why would she be hanging out at Shino's?"

"Hanabi is Hinata's younger sister," Kiba smirked _and _winked as he answered the first part of my question. Uh oh. "And she hangs out at Shino's because Hinata often hangs out at Shino's."

Please rewind one more time. "Say wa-?"

Thankfully, Kiba seemed in a blissful, patient mood. "Hinata. She hangs out at Shino's occasionally. Their families have been pretty close for generations or something, so... yep."

Oh.

Huh.

_Oh._

"So basically you're hitting on a freshman."

"Yep."

"Does this have anything to do with the fact that Naruto and Hinata the Big Boobs are hitting it off?"

"Nope. I actually happen to like Hanabi, she's very mature for her age."

What was it with people today and creeping the shit out of me?

I shook my head to clear myself of my internal dilemma and left Kiba to continue whatever he was doing before I had come around.

...Aaaaaaand bumped into someone, who luckily had no beverage in hand.

"Hello, _Sasssuke_."

Who the hell invited our fucking pedo counselor?!

Can someone please answer my fucking question?! I'm fucking dying here. I feel mentally raped. AAAAAH.

"Orochimaru, I uh, kinda have to go... and it looks like you need to go home soon, yeah... yeah, you should go home, rest..." _Choke on your own vomit._

"Of courssssssse, Ssassssssuke. A pity though, I wasss catching up with Jiraiya..."

"I'm going to go now..."

Not four or five steps from Orochimaru I bumped into yet another person.

"_Sasuke_."

And would you look at that? It was Satan.

"...Gaara..."

"I want your blood," he murmured creepily.

"Listen, I don't think that's very healthy... And I think I'm going to leave you to fantasize now."

I could feel his glare following me as I strode away.

Weirdo.

* * *

**The Part Where the Door Rings**

I dived to answer it.

And at the other end was Sakura, eyeing everything with an odd expression. "I'm looking for my guardian, Tsunade?" She gave me a perplexed look.

If I had some sort of drink in my mouth, I would have spit it out right then and there. "Tsunade is your guardian?!"

"Well. Yeah."

"Why do you need her?" I probed further, stepping aside so she could enter the Domain of Chaos.

"I figured she'd be drunk out of her mind and I didn't want her to drive."

"Ah. Maybe she's upstairs. Come on."

We stalked our way through the crowd, up the stairs, and then through the hall. Sakura and I peeked through every room, careful not to get caught eyeballing two people doing the nasty.

"You know," I whispered to Sakura, "Maybe they're in Jiraiya's study..."

We dragged ourselves farther down, and I stole a quick look through the small glass at the top of Jiraiya's door.

Sufficient to say that I need to bleach my eyes. Right now.

"That is really, really disturbing."

"What is it?" Sakura's curiosity took over as she also peeked through the window. "Oh my God. Ew. Ugh. _Eww._"

"Umm," I struggled to get the image out of my head. "Do you want to get lost?"

"Yes please."

* * *

**The Part Where We Get Lost**

We ended up hiding from civilization in the back yard, surrounded by odd bushes. Sitting next to each other, the both of us had pained faces.

"I think I'm going to have nightmares for days."

"I think I'm going to have to move far, far away."

"That sounds like it would cost a lot."

"Point taken."

She giggled a little. It was actually kind of cute.

Wait.

What.

_SASUKE UCHIHA HOW DARE YOU THINK THAT._

"You know, you're not that bad," I told her as I scratched the back of my head. I desperately wanted to shut my brain down so I wouldn't have to hear my internal voice (is that even normal?) rage at me as if it wasn't at fault at all. I mean, come on, Asshole Inner Self, you're the one who provided my fucking hormones, and you expected me not to act on them when I finally found a girl who _wasn't _the fucking president of my fan club?

Hello?

"You're not too bad yourself, Chicken Hair."

"I think you need to take that back, lest you want to be tickled to death."

She stuck her tongue out at me. "Nope, don't think I will."

"Five..." I leaned.

"Four..."

"Three..."

"Two..." Our noses were almost touching.

"One!"

She laughed prettily and started thrusting around as I tackled her to the ground, tickling every opening I could find.

Don't be a perv.

...

It was all fun and games until she kicked me in the face.

IN MY BEAUTIFUL FACE.

Oh well.

"Oh my God, I'm kind of sorry."

Kind of? "I think I'm going to have like, a swollen nose tomorrow. Thanks."

"No problem, wait here."

Aaaaand she left me, clutching my bleeding fucking nose, being too manly to whimper about how much blood I'm possibly losing at the moment, dear lord.

Bleh.

Within moments she came back, a bunch of crap in her hands. After dropping to the ground, she started treating me, slowly and carefully.

"Ouch!"

"Shut up."

"Okay."

As she finished working her medical skills on my nose, she softly said. "I am actually sorry that I kicked you..."

"It could have been worse. You could have dumped your lunch on my head and smashed me around because why the hell not?" I grinned, then quickly retracted my lips to neutrality, because my face hurt like a _bitch_.

"Hey, the swelling will go down by morning, and all that will be left is a bruise. Since I'm like 100 percent sure you own make up, covering it up will not going to be a problem, will it?"

"Nope."

"Alrighty then, give me your number." She chucked her damn phone at me, and watched me like a cheetah as I pressed my digits in.

"I'll text you about your... thing." She stood up, helped me stand up, and we both carried her medical crap back inside.

"OH MY GAWD SAKURA WHAT DID YOU DO TO BEAUTIFUL SASUKE'S FACE?!"

Who the hell invited Karin?

* * *

**The Part Where I'm in Bed**

As I lay in bed, I realized my stupidity.

I magically friend-zoned myself when I was counting down to the tickle.

I could have kissed her.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

* * *

Because the last two chapters haven't yet been written, I need more time before I post them, so the three day rule has been annulled.

Next Update: 07-27-13

Sowwy for the inconvenience, and review for love, because I'm betting my life the last two chapters are going to be longer than these. :DDD

REVIEW SO I CAN LOVE YOU SEVEN-EVER! :D


	9. Date Night

Thank you guys for your awesome reviews, love you to death. ;)

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Date Night**

**The Part Where Naruto Starts Blabbing**

And let me tell you something, when Naruto blabs, Naruto blabs a _lot. _

"I was thinking..." he began, jumping on my bed like a freaking puppy, imaginary tail wagging and everything.

Uh-oh. It was never good when Naruto actually _thought._

"What?" I asked, dreading this moment. Dropping to the floor, I quickly grabbed a pillow off the bed so I could find a comfortable position to lay in, while Naruto's mouth went through a rampage of words.

"Well, things between Hinata and I have gone really, _really _well, and we've kind of bit talking and all, like really talking, and thinking too, and like after we talked about ramen for a good hour and the perks of eating delicious ramen and food in general, well, we started talking about our friends, and then the subject hit you, and then Sakura, and well we thought the two of you would be a really cute couple, and because you're like an old geezer when it comes to girls and Sakura hasn't dated like _ever_, we decided we wanted to really get you guys together, kind of like an outside force pushing you two into something that will hopefully blossom into a relationship, so we were wondering if the two of you would like, I dunno, go on a double date with us today, and I think Sakura probably already said yes because Hinata spoke to her last night so unless you want her to third wheel I'm pretty sure you should say yes as well..."

That was just the longest fucking sentence in the history of fucking sentences. I was surprised Naruto hadn't died from lack of oxygen yet because that took too fucking long.

And I didn't get any of it.

"Can I have the short version of that?"

"Will you and Sakura double date with Hinata and I...? Sakura already said yes."

This slightly peeked my interest, but only because I assumed I was in the friendzone for eternity, and look at the angel who got me out of this one?

Fucking Naruto. Fucking Sunshine. Fucking Guardian Angel Sunshine Naruto, reporting for fucking duty.

My wingman.

Damn, I think that could have been a pun.

If I cared for puns...

"Yeah, I'll go... When is this date, anyway?"

"The date? Today, duh. In fact, it's in a couple hours. Like, at four. Or something." He checked the calendar in his phone.

"Nevermind, we're picking them up at 3:30."

So I basically had like thirty minutes to get ready and cover up my huge ass bruised nose and do my hair and damn I _do _sound like a girl.

Naruto's such a dumbass.

"You couldn't have told me sooner?"

"I thought about it, but seeing you squirm about trying to apply your girly-ass concealer really makes me happy."

"Fuck you."

"Gladly."

And then he winked, and I just _had _to throw the fucking pillow at him, because FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE.

* * *

**The Part Where We Pick Up the Girls**

I wasn't quite sure why, but I was actually somewhat... nervous. Like, just a little. A small fraction of me. Microscopic.

"Can you calm your balls? If it makes you feel any better, just think of it as the four of us hanging out as friends."

Actually, that kind of helped.

"Thanks, Dobe."

"No problem, Teme."

We walked up the stairs to Hinata's door, and Naruto rang the doorbell.

By the way, have I mentioned that Hinata's house is too fucking big?

Well, now you know.

Neji answered the door within seconds.

"What are you here for?" He glared at me. _Me. _He turned to Naruto, and it's like the glare melted to something one would consider respect. "Hinata and her friend will be out in just a moment, Naruto. Would you like to come in? Perhaps I could interest you in a beverage?"

Naruto grinned at the guy. "That's quite alright, Neji. Thank you for your offer. How've you and Tenten been? I heard the two of you have been trying to hook Lee up with Ayame? Did it would out as expected, or did Lee's 'youthfulness' terrorize the poor girl?"

I suddenly became this invisible, awkward being as Neji and Naruto continued their small talk. I swear, no matter how big of a douche someone was, Naruto could bring out the good in them, gain their trust and respect, and the two would become friends instantly.

Look at him.

Douche.

"Well, I can't say it worked out as expected, but Ayame took to his energy quite well. The eyebrows off put her for the first couple of minutes, but afterward they seemed to click in an entertaining manner. She's older though, so keeping in touch with her inside of school has been hard for Lee. Personally, I believe that if Shikamaru and Temari can work it out with their age difference, there is no reason Lee and Ayame can't, either."

"You're a good man, Neji. I'm sure Lee will thank you for your efforts later on." And then he patted the fucking prick on the shoulder.

And the fucking prick smiled.

What part of Dante's circle am I in?

Can someone please answer this fucking question?

Anyway, I was saved from my role as the wind when Hinata and Sakura peeked their heads out of the door.

"Sorry for being late!"

Naruto came in to save the fucking day with his fucking angelic fucking smile what the flying fuck. "It's alright, we were early anyway, and Neji here is great company. The two of you look quite lovely."

Smooth motherfucker.

But I suppose it _was _true. Hinata donned a pair of tight, denim skinny jeans, a purple tank top, and a women's blazer. Her hair was curled, and she actually wore make-up. Sakura, on the other hand, had a green v-neck tucked into a high waist black skirt (the two were held together by a thick belt), and skin hued tights. Her hair was in a side braid, she was wearing make-up as well, and the two of them were wearing matching black pumps.

Her green shirt really brought out the color of her eyes.

God I sound so, so gay right now, it actually hurts.

"Let's go."

* * *

**The Part Where We Go Out**

And voila, we're actually at a barbecue restaurant that Choji recommended.

Everything was going rather well. Whenever one of us slipped up awkwardly, we all just laughed it off.

And by 'we all' I mean Naruto, Hinata, and Sakura.

Because the great Sasuke does not laugh.

Still, I couldn't shake this feeling that we were being watched. Every now and then I looked around us, trying to understand where my inner hysteria had come from.

Naruto gave me one look and labeled me off as a 'lunatic'.

Great.

As we spoke about yet another thing, my eyes wandered through the window.

And woopty fucking doo, I found out where my craziness had come from.

Kiba. Was staring at us. From beneath a bush. With binoculars.

And he had someone with him.

"Hey, Hinata..." I drawled out.

"Yes?"

"Is that your sister hiding behind the bush, right next to Kiba?"

She eyed the pair, who apparently couldn't tell that they had been spotted, and sighed. "Yep, that's her."

Naruto coughed. "I firmly believe we should hit the movie theater now."

"Good point."

* * *

**The Part Where the Movie Ends**

"That was a pretty epic film, I've got to say."

"The graphic were neat, the characters well thought out."

"I dunno, I didn't really like the girl. She seemed pretty useless."

"That's coming from the girl who has a black belt in karate."

"Touche."

Yet again I felt the familiar shiver of someone fucking stalking us...

I turned my head to the nearest bush as the rest of the gang continued to talk, and guess what I saw?

"Hey, guys?"

"Yeah?"

Their eyes wandered to the area my eyes were currently glued to.

"Guess who decided to join our mini stalker club?"

Naruto almost chocked. "Is that... Is that Itachi?"

"Yes it is."

When I thought it couldn't get any worse, I saw Neji's head quickly bop up out of the bush.

"Are you kidding me, Neji-nii-san?!"

"Those four have no lives," Sakura chimed in.

I cleared my throat. "Isn't it a little odd how they haven't noticed that we're all looking right at them?"

And then it happened.

Hanabi waved at her sister.

Kiba saluted both me and Naruto.

Itachi pulled a fucking camera out and started taking billions of pics.

Neji gave me the death glare.

* * *

**The Part Where Realization Really Kicks In**

I really am in hell.

* * *

Next Update: 08-03-13

REVIEW, MY LOVELIES!


	10. At the Office

Thank you guys for everything! The reviews, favorites, alerts! :D I apologize that this is even shorter than the already short previous chapters. :)

* * *

**Chapter Ten: At the Office**

**The Part Where We Walk to School**

Sakura and I walked side by side, talking to each other a couple feet behind Naruto and Hinata.

I really wish I could say we were talking about normal people stuff, but really we were discussing the events of our date.

To digress slightly, isn't it interesting how much you can talk about the same thing over and over again if it's a mutually shared odd event?

Anyway, speaking of our four stalkers gave me headaches. And nightmares. And insomnia. And whatnot.

As we entered school grounds, I began to really regret the decision to come to school on this fine day, because if there was one thing that school taught me, it was that news ( * COUGH * gossip * COUGH * ) traveled way too fast.

Aaaaaand that meant trouble for me because damn it I wanted a normal life and dear lord was that Karin I saw making her way through the hall?!

* * *

**The Part Where Shit Goes Down. Again**

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.

"Who. Do. You. Think. You. Are?" Karin enunciated every word as she eyeballed Sakura with what I believe was supposed to be a death glare.

Sakura puffed. "Did your teeny weeny brain forget my name already? Do you need some help? Would you like for me to spell it out, maybe that will aid your memory? It's S-A-K-U-"

Karin cut her off abruptly (what is up with girls and picking fights at this school...?), "I know what your name is, Sakura! But are we going to forget how much of an asshole you are!? I mean, Sasuke was _clearly _interested in me, and then you went ahead and you _stole _him!"

I chocked. On my own spit.

By golly I'm surrounded by the mentally insane.

And don't judge my word choice.

Ahem.

Back to the story.

Sakura seemed to have chocked on something as well, because her face was damn near priceless. "_I _stole _him_ from _you_? Seriously, what are you on? Cause the only way any of that could possibly make sense is if you were high."

You know, I've only recently noticed that when girls fight, they don't really care to notice whatever the hell they fight about.

It's basically like: 'I appreciate you and I want you but when I'm in an argument about you I don't want to know your opinion on the matter, even though it concerns you.'

Yup.

Where the hell did Naruto and Hinata slip off to?

I was hoping this confrontation would end quickly, because class was about to begin in five minutes, and, well shit, no one was leaving.

"How _dare _you say that?!" Karin screamed.

I saw Naruto in the crowd.

He waved.

Bastard.

Aaaaaand Karin pushed Sakura.

Who pushed Karin.

Who fell into a trashcan.

* * *

**The Part Where We Head for the Office**

Seeing the threat being exterminated, I faced Sakura and simply asked, "Can we head to class now, or do you have more enemies to take care of?"

She smiled softly, cutely (DAMMIT BRAIN STAWP) and replied, "I'm good."

Just as I thought everything would be alright, Sarutobi magically teleported into the hallway, shooing off our audience and gazing at us suspiciously.

"I want the three of you with me."

Aaaaaand it was back to the office. Again.

* * *

**The Part Where We Sit Down**

And, mind you, as far away from Karin as possible.

Sarutobi began with an awkward cough, followed by a typical, professional start, "I understand that there was quite the disturbance concerning the three of you yet again. Usually I would ask each person to state their side of the story, but seeing as I viewed the scene myself, I'm inclined to bring judgment without hearing you out. I apologize for this distasteful way I'm handling the situation, but I figured that this was the best way towards obedience and respect."

As I inwardly winced, hoping he wouldn't kill me for constantly being the subject of these cat fights (no matter how small), he resumed his speech.

"I understand that Karin here has consistently bothered to gain the affections of Sasuke, the main reason these fights have spiraled upwards, and her inappropriate actions are the reason it has been little more than a week and I've already had to see the three of you here _twice. _ Therefore, to ensure these occurrences are crushed, I've decided to attack this from the core."

Holy shit I'm in big trouble.

"Karin!"

Karin jumped from her seat, and I saw something slimy jiggle from her sleeve.

_Ew. _

"You will have detention everyday for the next month until you know how to handle yourself around others. Appropriately. Respectfully. That's all I had to say, you guys are free to leave."

What the hell just happened?

* * *

**The Part Where School Ends**

Forehead and I sat on the benches outside the entrance of the school, waiting for Naruto and Hinata so the four of us could head our ways.

"That whole thing with Sarutobi wasn't so bad," Sakura reflected.

"Yeah... Maybe life isn't hell," I joked as I pressed my lips to hers.

The brief touching of our lips was gentle, peaceful, grounded. What appeared to be my first kiss wasn't too bad.

I knew we'd have many more kisses: passionate, playful, romantic, quick, messy.

Pulling back, she and I both grinned cheekily.

I heard Karin screech from the classrooms upstairs.

"Okay, so maybe it is."

* * *

AND I'M DONE PLEASEEEEE LOVE ME AS I LOVE YOU!

Review for all of the love! :D


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